BREWSKEE-BALL: The First-Ever Competitive Skee-Ball League

As the ides of Spring dissipate into the thick Brooklyn air, the calamitous veil of sweat and hope enter the hallowed halls of Full Circle Bar. Today marks the 1st day of Skee-Agency in the elite NYC Brewskee-Ball league and I'm here to break down some of the top Skee-Agents going into Skeeson XV.

Last skeeson, William Ocean, umpteen-time BROTY champ, million-time BMT mug sipper and countless Hundo title winner shocked the league as he moved to Wednesday nights to roll with The Nutjobs. The move turned out to be quite successful as the team made it to The BMT Finals only to get ousted by the 40-powerhouse Skeemelio Estevez. Some questioned Ocean's choice of going hundos in the final match however he was the key figure in almost bringing the team to the promised land. Now, his one-skeeson deal has ended and the Stagg resident is once again available to roll. Brewmors are flying around now that Ocean is free from The Nutjobs that he is forming a squad with Joey "The Cat" Mucha out on the West Coast or possibly creating an all Stagg trio. Only time will tell where this red-bearded legend will end up. He's got a Pint on every night, another Mug is never far away from his proven left hand. You can bet he wants that 4th BROTY as well, which would give him the outright national lead.

As The Nutjobs will most likely be without William Ocean, the 2nd star of the nutty tandem may also find himself somewhere else. Shreddy rolled out of his mind throughout The BMT and seemed to peter out in The BROTY after losing to underdog S.Nash on Father's Day in the 1st round. The latest news is that Shreddy and "Pavo The Kid" will keep The Nutjobs together and are looking for a solid 3rd nut to round out their team. Brewmors are also placing Shreddy with two other teams that requested to remain anonymous. My bet is that Shreddy keeps The Nutjobs together and lands another big signing this off-skeeson to make another run at The Mug now that The Kid is all growns up!

Both rollers are far from doctors. One has a 3 handicap in golf and the other was voted "Most Huggable Bartender" in NYC. However, both men are in the Hall of Fame and are shockingly teamless. Last skeeson they formed a collaboration with Alison "Fuck Yeah" and Jo-Anna to form WOW which lost a heart breaker to Monkee Skee. The latest Brewmor is that the Doctors are sticking together (as they should) and may join up with a talented veteran roller to become an immediate Mug contender and make a lot of noise. NO WAY!!!

Danger, Skeeara and Robot have stood the test of time. They made huge headlines this skeeson as the real Stephen Colbert and all of Colbert Nation came knocking on their door. However, the brewmors coming from their camp are stating that they may split up Rollbert Nation come Skeeson XV. That being said, any one of these three all stars would be a tasty addition to any squad. Sources say Robot may join the Doctors, Skeeara may team up with her bearded champion and Danger may start up the 1st Brewskee-Ball league in Africa (God forbid she ever leaves again!)

Em Dizzle has sadly left us for the West Coast, where her Brewskee-Ball career will undoubtedly continue to blossom. She's going to shine by the bay! Brewmor has it that high roller Johnny Haze has signed a contract with a developing Brewskee-Ball league in Peru (Peru-Skee-Ball) and may miss Championship Sunday XV. The question Haze needs to ask himself is, is he okay with getting a team to the big dance, but leaving them to tango on their own? I see no reason why Haze can't lead a team to The Mug in Skeeson XV, even if he has to chug via satellite. As for Fisky, who will forever have his name on the NYC 10th Ball Award, he's searching for some skeemates. What? People, what are you waiting for? This guy is a golden Brewskee-Ball god! High roller, team motivator, Butt Money virtuoso and you'll have the best shirts in the league...roll with Fisky, he won't be on the market long!

One of the most long-lived and consistent teams in Brewskee-Ball might do some remodeling next skeeson. Brewmor has it that Ehrlich "Knots" is hoping to hang on to rookie sensation Scotty G. and pick up a third to replace Jamieson which ain't easy to do. Hopefully the Skee-Baggers can find some new chemistry in the off-skeeson, Ehrlich deserves a Mug as much as anyone else, it could be his time with the right acquisition.

Dougie made headlines this skeeson after his controversial rolling style was banned by league officials. Sources say Dougie will be starring in a reality show on UPN with Bobcat Goldwaith and will be leaving Skeeanu Reeves and Jungle Jim without a third roller. These two constantly sit atop Wednesday in both team and individual play and with a crackerjack third roller they could make some teams howl for mercy on their way to winning The Mug. Wait, Crackerjacks have nuts in them. Wow, if one of The Nutjobs were to land on SOCO @ Night things could get weird...in a very good way!

ROSENBERG OUT OF SEX THERAPY, BROTY PICKS REMAIN STEAMY

It’s great to be back in the saddle again. I appreciate all the support (Scallion), flowers (Dr. Earl) and even chocolates (Fisk) during my difficult time. I am proud to say I’m out of rehab and have a clean fresh outlook on life.

I’ve been in close contact with the Skee.E.O’s and the Ambassador to keep me posted on the inaugural skeeson at Full Circle Bar , and I have to say it warms my heart to see everything it has become. Kudos to Eric, Evan, Mike on making this dream come true.

Ok, enough of the small talk. The BROTY is upon us and my predictions are hotter than a warm bundt cake.

Skeeson XIII BROTY Predictions

ROUND I

I haven’t seen a roller with such precision and skill like Haze has in a very long time. Bengt unfortunately doesn’t have a shot.

Unfortunately for Jungle Jim, foot surgery spelled him at the BMT. I think he’s not even 40% and it will show as Sonskee moves forward.

Shreddy helped bring his team to the quarterfinals in the BMT, while it takes The Norris only 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes. Shreddy wins in a close 3rd game.

Brewmors have it that Becca got a lower back tattoo that reads “Roll Hot Fire”. Whether that’s true or not, she upsets Tonkskee in two games.

One of the most intensely focused rollers is El Jefe. Special K will be dancing the lambata after El Jefe rolls to victory.

12. Scallion - 31.92 vs. 21. Skeep to My Lou - 31.48

The Beaskee Boys lost a key member in Nash during the BMT and didn’t make it out of the 1st round. The terrific trio will back up their brother at arms and Skeep upsets Scallion.

In arguably the greatest Brewskee Ball match ever, Rookie Monster upset Ocean to make it to the BBNC finals, only to lose to Skee-Diddy. Rookie continues his impressive run this skeeson as his army of balls defeats the Ambassadors. Yep, defending champ out in Round I.

4. Doctor - 33.02 vs. 29. Root Down - 30.85

Shaskeel makes his first BROTY ever and all of Seattle will be watching via satellite. However, the good Dr. Spaceman is a seasoned veteran who shan’t be ousted. It’s a close one but Spaceman moves on.

14. Dr. Earl - 31.8 vs. 19. Skeeanu Reeves - 31.62

The Harlequin of Hugs, Dr. Earl faces a very very tough Skeeanu in the 1st round. Dr. Earl is a HOF'er, a BMT mug chugger and an amazing fellow. Skeeanu doesn’t care and upsets the good doctor in what I’m calling the best match of the 1st round.

This match will be closer than the seeds show. These skeemates finished very close to each other this skeeson, but Jamieson’s 5 Full Circles were a bit better than Ehrlich’s 4. Jamieson squeaks ahead in this one.

6. Murda - 32.88 vs. 27. Lexington Skeele - 30.87

The heart and soul of Monkee Skee is the man called Murda. He led his team to the Wednesday night pint this skeeson and rolled unskeelieveably in the BMT. Lexington Skeele should stick to re-runs as Murda annihilates in this one.

C-Funk is a year removed from the Cinderella story his THUNDERBALLS!!! wrote. Fisk has has more team names then the Quebec Nordiques. Funkmaster moves forward in this one as Fisk dons a brand new Lucha mask much to the enjoyment of the crowd.

It’s hard to believe that the BBNC champ is a 23 seed right? I’m the biggest Skee-Diddy fan this side of Dreamsickel and while Welch is a great roller, Skee-Diddy wins this one.

This match sounds like a gansta war. However, my ghetto-thug instincts are going with the Skeeazy one.

31. J-Date - 30.21 vs. 2. Ocean - 35.17

I love J-Date (both the website and the man). I hate Ocean (both the body of water and the man). J-Date’s performance in the BMT was stellar for I Skee NY, while Ocean’s was lukewarm. However, as much as I wish ill upon Ocean, his skills speak for themselves. He moves ahead.

ROUND II

My extensive research had discovered that Haze’s sister used to throw softballs at his face when he was younger to toughen him up. His stoic yet loveable demeanor shines as he rolls past Sonskee.

After a controversial request by Shreddy to see Becca’s tattoo, his cerebral assassin-like approach is too much for her. Shreddy moves ahead.

Skeep delivers a blistering rap on Lane 2 before the match ripping on El Jefe, tacos, the city of Juarez, and Montezuma. El Jefe has no response except rolling two cherries to send the Beaskee Boy home.

After this match, Rookie Monster will officially change his name to Giant Killer as he shocks the world in ousting the Doctor.

Did you all know that Spaceman was at the Super Bowl? Brewmors say that he and Reggie Bush were hanging out and Spaceman received some interesting tips. These tips shall come into play in this match as Skeeanu simply is left saying, “Whoa”.

This one goes to 4 games as Murda beats Jamieson’s 35 with a Full Circle. He then kills everyone in the bar.

C-Funk's pensive stare beyond those glasses is too much for Skee-Diddy to handle as the Funkmaster takes out the BBNC champ. SIDE NOTE: Both men stacked up together equal a height of only 11 feet.

Ocean wins while bar-backing. Yes, this will be the 1st time in history this happens and I’m sure he’ll get a trophy for it.

ROUND III

Two incredible personalities go at it, however the hybrid skills of Haze prove to be too much for the 40-focused Shreddy.

Rookie Monster continues his unprecedented success as the greatest line ever “A Hundo to win” comes into play here.

This is like Frazier vs. Ali. This one goes to 7 games as Spaceman eeks out a win. Match of the BROTY. Mark it down.

This will be a highly anticipated match, as Ocean will look to have vengeance on the THUNDERBALLS!!! squad following his BBNC defeat by C-Funk’s skeemate. However, C-Funk pulls out a tremendous victory which will bring about the most “No Ways” ever in a match.

SEMI-FINALS

Wow. This is a serious coin-flip as the entire province of Williamsburgh will be divided between these two. I have to go with Haze mainly because of his RollHotFire all skeeson long.

3. Dr. Spaceman vs. 7. C-Funk

Spaceman has nothing left after that battle with Murda. C-Funk is emotionally drained as well, but reaches deep down to find that oomph to win.

FINALS

In my opinion, C-Funk is one of the greatest well-rounded rollers of all time. He has drunk from the BMT mug and knows what it takes. The Funkmaster takes the BROTY and no one can really complain about it.

There you have it. Enjoy the BROTY everyone and remember if your milk is chunky that means it’s spoiled.

SUNDAY BROTY SUNDAY PICKS

Rosenberg: Hot For Doctor

Ladies and Gentlemen of Brewskee Ball… I, Steve Rosenberg, the pariah of Full Circle Magazine am honored and proud to bring you my Skeeson XI BROTY picks. Read ‘em and weep kids.

ROUND I

1. Ocean vs. 32. Ted D.
The “D” stands for “Doomed". Ocean rolls in this 1st round warm-up.

16. Dr. Earl vs. 17. McSkeever
While he may be the 3rd wheel in The Flock, this Dr. proves his worth as he “nails it” in Round 1.

8. The Street vs. 25. Skeeara
While The Street paved his way to The BROTY Finals last skeeson, Skeeara didn’t fare so well. However, this one has the Rosenberg upset written all over it like the Ten Commandments. Skeeara wins via Cherry in the 3rd frame.

9. Skee-Diddy vs. 24. S. Nash
I got a memo on my desk that Nash was drinking bong-water to make his focus better. Meanwhile, Skee Diddy is always highly ranked in The BROTY and for good reason. This will be a very exciting match, but the Beaskee Boy won’t have the “Ill Communication” in this one. I love S. Nash, but Skee Diddy is a BROTY stud (and a worthwhile Fantaskee pick mind you all). Skee Diddy moves on.

12. Star of David Cross vs. 21. W-Der-40
Broskeemian made it to the Finals on the shoulders and sexy hair of W-Der-40. His 31.7 regular skeeson average is not a true representation of this man. He “accidentally” was rolling 50's in his 2nd Round match against bWo in The BMT. W-Der-40 wins and it’s not an upset here folks.

13. Skeep to My Lou vs. 20. Jo-Anna
STML (not to be confused with HTML) is the backbone of the Beaskee Boys and he proves it in the 1st Round as he gently ousts Jo-Anna with a win.

3. Brewrack vs. 30. SAHB
SAHB got the monkey off his back in The BMT, but it leaps right back on as the outstanding regular skeeson performance of Brewrack proves to be way too much for last skeeson’s RROTY (Rookie Roller of The Year).

11. Murda vs. 22. The Natural
Murda is my 5th favorite roller in all of Brewskee-Ball land. The Natural was Rookie Roller of The Year this skeeson but he crapped the bed in Anarchskee’s 1st Round BMT match. The last two rookie rollers of the year crapped the bed in the 1st Round of The BROTY (see SAHB and Shreddy). The trend continues as Murda busts a cap in his ass.

7. Ehrlich vs. 26. El Jefe
The 5th best beard in Brewskee-Ball vs. the 8th best dressed roller? Interesting match-up, but Ehrlich is a helluva roller and El Jefe will need a plethora of piñatas to win this one. Ehrlich and his beard move on.

10. Dr. Spaceman vs. 23. Popeye
Spinach and BJ's from Olive Oil can’t help Popeye in The BROTY. Dr. Spaceman gets redemption from last year’s humiliating 1st Round BROTY loss and CRUSHES Popeye like a left hook from Brutus.

15. Jungle Jim vs. 18. Miller Time
I flipped a coin on this one and it came up heads. That means Miller Time wins.

ROUND II

1. Ocean vs. 16. Dr. Earl
Ah yes, skeemate vs. skeemate. There will be tons of “No Ways” and hugging before this match even begins. Ocean will win purely on the fact that the good doctor will be smashed by Round 2.

9. Skee Diddy vs. 28. Skeeara
Skeeara feelin’ something good lately and it shows on the lane as she upsets Skee Diddy to move ahead.

5. Ambassador vs. 21. W-Der-40
WEDNESDAY NIGHTS! WEDNESDAY NIGHTS! This will be the match of the evening as these two characters go ball for ball. In the final frame Ambassador nails some clutch Hundos and squeaks past The Most Interesting Roller in The World.

3. Brewrack vs. 19. Fisk
Brewrack is fo' real and ol’ Fisky can’t keep up. Change occurs and Brewrack moves ahead.

7. Ehrlich vs. 10. Dr. Spaceman
Another amazing 2nd Round match-up. But, Spaceman moves ahead as his redemption song is more powerful than Bob Marley could ever imagine.

QUARTER-FINALS

1. Ocean vs. 28. Skeeara
The Hallmark Channel and E! will be covering this match-up as it is a mini-drama in the making. Ocean rolls two Right Angles and Skeeara wins. Everyone is baffled, confused, amazed how the 3-time BROTY champ crapped the bed so horrifically. Personally, I don’t know why Ocean hates me so much, so this loss will be sweet music to my ears.

4. Doctor vs. 5. Ambassador
Two amazing rollers. The 4 and the 5 seed going head-to-head. Doctor is as cold as ice lately and can roll anything he wants. He wins in an impressive fashion and makes it to the Semi-Finals.

3. Brewrack vs. 6. C-Funk
C-Funk is feeling it folks. His inner storm rages inside him while his soft demeanor throws his opponents into a tizzy. Brewrack falls and the Funkmaster makes it to the Semi-Finals.

2. Power vs. 10. Dr. Spaceman
Hybrid Roller vs. Slutty Roller. Dr. Spaceman wins with a Cherry in Frame 3, but GUITARZAN will go down swingin'.

4. Doctor vs. 28. Skeeara
Still reeling from the biggest upset since Gary Cherone became lead singer of Van Halen, Skeeara can’t compete with the Doctor’s precision. Doc makes a Finals appearance.

6. C-Funk vs. 10. Spaceman
C-Funk rolls two Fullies in the Semi-Finals and shows why he can and has been a dominating force. Remember, this guy is a MUG Champion! C-Funk goes to The Finals.

FINALS

There’s my predictions kids. Love it or leave it. Have a wonderful summer and don’t pee in pools.

FRUIT IS BAD?

Tell me what’s wrong with the picture on the left…No, it’s not the tint of Ocean’s beard. No, it’s not the gangsta look on Murda’s grill. Nor is it the salt-pepper flavor of the Doctor’s hair. Something is going on in the NYC Brewskee-Ball league and this investigative reporter has found out a mind-boggling discovery.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s definitely refreshing to see the top 12, the "Big 12" as they are called, with amazing scores going into Week 3, but Skeep to My Lou averaging a 32.2 cannot be contributed only to his love of gefilte fish. The Street is a remarkable roller, but a 34.4? Ehrlich’s attributing his strong start this skeeson to his newly grown beard, but that doesn't correlate with a 33.45. And Mother Time’s 32.0? This fella only made The BROTY last skeeson because someone dropped out.

At press time today, Manny Ramirez was suspended 50 games due to using illegal performance-enhancing drugs. Baseball players are role models to our youth, so are Brewskee-Ballers. How many children go to sleep underneath that poster of Power praying they can be a Hundo roller just like him? How many children get in scraps on the playground pretending to be Murda? How many adolescents are growing out their facial hair hoping to get onto Ocean’s WSKE radio show, “Weird Beards”? How many parents have named their little girl Danger or their little boy Robot?

While the Doctor did say that "fruit" is good, he was referring specifically to a Cherry, when a player

rolls a combination of all 40's and 50's in one frame. It was his generalization, albeit just one word, that opened the floodgates and what happened next changed everything.

Capitalizing on The Doctor's skeelebrity and his loose usage of the word "fruit", league marketing gurus began a campaign centered around putting limes in High Life, the league's beer sponsor. The ads portrayed Brewskee-Ballers having a great time while garnishing their High Lifes with a lime. The tagline read as follows, "Put a lime in your High Life, be a man."

It took a while for the campaign to prove that it was in fact changing the rollers' drinking habits, but when veteran players and Brewskee Mug winners such as Dr. Earl and Skeeara were seen "dropping limes" as it's called, the campaign exploded. Within a week 30% of rollers were dropping limes, within 2 weeks 50% and after just one month 65% of NYC professionals were lime droppers.

"I mean, I didn't think anything of it at first," says Justin, Ace Bar bartender for the Sunday and Wednesday Divisions. "So I ran out of limes by 10 p.m., no big deal right, but then one league night my limes were gone by 7 p.m., I was totally cleaned out, the lemons weren't even touched. I was like, something weird is going on and when I looked around it was like every Brewskee-Baller had a lime either in or on top of their High Life bottle. I need to slice up three times as many limes before a shift now, even more for the Sunday Division. Crazy."

“G H SKEE is a performance enhancing drug that was created in the Republic of Côte d'Ivoire to assist in the production of coffee,” explained Doug McMasterson, head of PEDD (Performing Enhancing Drug Detectives). “In the Dix-Huit Montagnes region where 85% of coffee is grown, the workers have found that after taking G H SKEE they are able to throw more beans into their satchels quicker and more accurately,” McMasterson continued.

Somehow this drug made it’s way over to the States and anonymous sources have told me that it’s being dealt in the Ace Bar bathroom during league play, and that dealers are using the limes as a decoy and a vehicle in which to get the banned substance into a roller's body.

brewrack lime.jpg

“I think it’s sad,” said Hundo superstar and 10th Ball Winner C-Wise of Old Man and the Skee. “I mean this league was formed on morals, sportsmanship and downright fun, I really hate that a handful of rollers have corrupted it for the rest of us. We don't need this kind of stuff, it's always been an even playing field and that's the way it should stay. Forget about these limes already, get rid of them."

“Whatever man,” remarked W-Der-40 of Broskeemian Rhapsody . “I mean people are people so they’ll do their thing ya know, anything to get that competitive edge. Yeah, I’ve been offered that stuff, but my rolls are pure man, my body is my temple ya know, I'm not gonna *%$@ with that.”

While great rollers like Dr. Earl and Skeeara have already admitted to dropping limes, the trend has certainly rubbed off on young rollers too, however every roller has said the same thing, that there is absolutely nothing illegal about them.

Fingers are currently being pointed at future Brewskee-Ball Hall of Famer and living legend William Ocean, who broke almost every record last skeeson and continues to dominate league play in a class of his own. In a meeting with the Skee.E.O.'s and the Rollers Union President Cornelius Funk, Ocean was questioned by Evan directly. Below is the most compelling part of the interrogation.

When asked about William Ocean's connection to lime dropping Skee.E.O. Eric came to his defense.

“I have known Billy for a long time, he's a great roller and an even better person. I'd be surprised if he was dropping limes if he knew they were tainted with a banned substance. Let me make that clear, there is no evidence to support that these limes are in fact contaminated or against the rules, I for one enjoyed the ad campaign and have on occasion dropped a lime or two myself, it's quite tasty actually. We will continue looking into the Skeeson XI High Lifes and examining the limes in question, but in the meantime rollers should continue enjoying the High Life like they always have."

I hope that for the sake of the league and the rollers this goes away quickly and quietly. We have seen how this type of scandal can infect a sport, Major League Baseball is sick right now and doesn't seem to be getting better anytime soon. As of now, Brewskee-Ball is healthy, sacred records are valid, high rollers are embraced by their cities and matches are getting more exciting as scores skyrocket.

SKEESON XI DIVISIONAL MUSINGS

Skeeson XI brings forth hope, glory, passion and unbridled excitement. Quite similar to springtime don’t you think? A rebirth of sorts for some and a bevy of questions with or without answers for others.

Ace Bar held this skeeson’s Kick-Off Jamboree, as veterans embraced each other and nervous rookies frantically tried to stick that dollar into Lane 2 without making a fool of themselves. I actually heard someone ask, “Why aren’t I getting any tickets?” Yes, I was there my fellow Brewskee-Ballers. A mere observer from the shadows whereas not to stir controversy during the Kick-Off.

Some new teams have emerged for this Skeeson. I Skee NY is a catchy team name with the effervescent Laura Heywood leading the charge. W-Der-40 looked quite pleasant as he and Fisk formed a BaseSKEEball squad to overthrow Rolly Fingers. The Andrews (Ocean, Robot and Star of David Cross) held court at the Kick-Off, bringing smiles to everyone’s faces while guiding some of the new rookie rollers. I was a bit turned off by Ocean’s shirt asking me to go and "suck one". Rumor has it he returned just before the Kick-Off from Las Vegas in an attempt to hawk his new line of personalized Brewskee-Ball condoms.

Speaking of condoms, it's time for some pre-skeeson predictions. Some safe, some not.

This night sets the tone for each week as it is home to some of the top teams in the whole league. Skeephen Colbert returns for another skeeson with hopes to sip the golden nectar from The Brewskee Mug. In the off-skeeson, Skeeara climbed Mt. Ranier, Danger took up Brazilian ju-jitsu and Robot learned how to speak Swahili. All these factors make for a very tough squad. The Flock returns again, with Ocean and his team of Doctors looking to repeat. However, a very interesting team has formed with a wonderful name. Old Man & The Skee features two of Brewskee-Ball’s most prolific Hundo rollers, Power and CWise. Sources say that CWise is going totally goth this skeeson to become a more intimidating factor, while Power plans to focus on becoming that Hybrid roller we saw during last skeeson’s BMT. Sunday nights shall prove to be an excellent alternative to 60 Minutes.

The chants of “Monday Night! Monday Night!” are often heard on random days at Ace Bar. These chants are usually led by last skeeson’s 10th Ball Winners the Beaskee Boys. In an exclusive one-on-one interview with Skeep to My Lou, he proclaimed that his love for gefilte fish is going to be a huge catalyst this skeeson. Nash and Shaskeel got caught up with their families during the off-skeeson and rumor has it that Nash got a very interesting piercing in a very interesting place. Skeeson X BMT finalists Skeemelio Estevez return to Monday nights along with the Rhode Island Sluts. Dr. Spaceman took an early exit in last skeeson’s BROTY and has vowed by the powers of Greyskull to come back guns a blazing.

Stoners, Pirates, Murda and Ted Effing Carmel make Wednesday nights the most fun night of Brewskee-Ball. However, the absence of Shreddy from BwO will put a damper on things (but, may prevent the lanes from being broken by a Carmel toss). In the off-skeeson, W-Der-40 recently did a photo shoot with Deer Hunter Magazine, for what reasons, this reporter (nor W-Der-40) has no idea. Murda wrote and produced his own record called MURDA SKEE WROTE, which was released on his own label (MURDA RECORDS). While it was lambasted by critics, it does have a catchy beat here and there.

So, as Week 1 draws near I fully expect for Pamskee to dust off those knee-highs, One-Eyed Willy to groom his parrot and for Dr. Earl to discover new ways to make out with people. Until next time…

It almost happened. The tall lanky figure of Mother Time stood over the lane wearing a Reggie Miller jersey and smiled. He was up 1-0 on the two-time defending BROTY champion William Ocean and had momentum. The crowd was edgy as they whispered about the iconic snapshot of Reggie Miller against the New York Knicks back in ’95.

Ocean rolled through the slight bump in the road and then proceeded to oust his air band mate Shreddy, chum Skee-Diddy, skeemate Doctor and then finally The Street in what is being dubbed a “NO WAY” BROTY event.

32 rollers converged on Ace Bar this past Sunday hoping to sip victoriously from the BROTY goblet. All the big names were there (except for Juice and Ted Carmel, they were deeply missed). There were a few last minute changes to note (The Guy filled in for Brook-skee or was sick and S. Nash took over for Dan Smith, who had to leave to teach someone how to make lasagna), there were enough High-Lifes in the room to drown a Budweiser Clydesdale, and even a camera crew from the Brew Yorker arrived to capture all the magic. I was stuck in Denver unfortunately, but thanks to the wonderful world of technology I was able to tap a feed into the Brew Yorker’s video camera and watch the action unfold.

My bracket was busted after about 3 minutes when Dr. Spaceman was shell-shocked by the 30th ranked McSkeever. Right then and there we knew we would have some upsets. I did peg The Hat to upset Rookie Roller of the Year, Steady, but I didn’t realize just how much the young roller would struggle on The BROTY stage. Welcome to the big leagues son. A few of my upset picks didn’t pan out. For example, I was really high on W-Der-40, but I caught him saying to someone on camera after Dr. Earl hit a crucial 50 to win, “Dude, Rosenberg picking me to go to the Semi-Finals? Doesn’t he know that stoners don’t win sporting events?” Yeah, thanks Der, I heard Phish is back together, better get a move on tickets.

Star of David Cross, Murda and Shreddy (who won with a 29, yes… a pathetic 29) were the other underdogs to move on to the second round. Round 2 had two incredible matches that I must give praise for. Jim, who received numerous ideas for a nickname (i.e. Jim Shorts, Jungle Jim, Jim-Boree, Jim Morrison) rolled two unprecedented Cherries against C-Funk to move onto the Quarter-Finals. C-Funk was perplexed and dumbfounded. What can you do when that happens? Really?

The match of the night in my opinion was Murda vs. Power. Power impressed me greatly with what I deem to be the future of Brewskee-Ball rollers. The hybrid roller. No W-Der-40 not THAT kind of hybrid. It’s the roller who mixes Hundos with 40s and 50s and creates a masterpiece. Kudos to Power for introducing that new technique to the league. But, Murda was the case that they gave Power. Murda was exceptional. He was a god on the lane as he needed a 38 to beat Power. With three balls left he was sitting at a 25. He took a breath, rolled one 50… another 50… and then a 40 to knock out Power the #2 seed. It was spectacular.

The Street quietly made his way to the Semi-Finals with a fairly easy walk. One-Eyed Willy forgot his parrot and eye-patch, CWise just couldn’t find her Hundos, and the Hat’s run ended in the Quarter-Finals. He moved past Ehrlich Knots (which frankly taste like something dragged out of the ball-pit at Chuck-E-Cheese) to face Ocean in the Finals.

Ocean was just too good, he deserved to win, no roller was able to consistently post scores of 36 and higher and that's what it takes to win The BROTY, clutch Full Circles and triple Cherries, that's what it takes to have a chance to beat Ocean. Ocean ties The Professor with his 3rd BROTY Title and it made this reporter think, what is the future of Brewskee-Ball rollers? When the league first started, a 30 average was considered amazing. Now the emergence of Hundo rollers are putting up incredible scores averaging over a 34 per match. But, think about this, take your top three Hundo rollers in Ocean, Power and CWise. Guess how many Cherries and Full Circles they had combined this skeeson...

Dr. Spaceman is primed to be the leader in the new breed of hybrid rollers. He can roll Full Circles and Cherries with ease. Imagine if he can figure out the mystery of the Hundo? Rumor has it that one roller is taking a skeeson off just to buy a Brewskee-Ball lane for his house to transform himself into a hybrid roller and crush all titles in Skeeson XII.

Great skeeson everyone. Enjoy the off-skeeson and BaseSKEEball. And remember…don’t eat yellow snow, unless it's yellow because it's High Life.

Check out BROTY Highlights on BREW TUBE!

SUNDAY BROTY SUNDAY
Rosenberg Picks a Winner!

First off, this bracket has changed more times than Cher at one of her concerts. But, now that the final bracket is etched in stone I have my picks loaded up and ready to be fired. A few quick remarks about some notables that won’t be attending.

Juice… Oh Juicy Juice… What for art thou neglecting the Brewskee Ball world with your presence? Yeah, big deal you came up short in the Semi-Finals. Big effing deal. You’re a future HOF roller and a goddamn icon. Get thee to The BROTY!

Carmel… This homicidal, suicidal, genocidal maniac won’t be blessing Brewskee-Ball Nation with his Chuck Norris sidekicks and midget-tossing skills. It appears Mr. Carmel was arrested today for mulpery…That’s right kids… exposing himself to a blind person. In New York State that’s a minimum 17 hours in jail, and denial of all rights to step foot in an establishment that serves liquor. So, Carmel is out of The BROTY for being an assclown. (Editors Note: Ted Carmel really has a business meeting in Washington D.C. to promote his new Carmel cigarettes line which he deems more important. That mulpery thing… just a sick joke).

Round 1

1. Ocean vs. 32. Mother Time
- Ocean eats mothers for breakfast and poops out clocks for lunch. Bad news for Mother Time.

16. Brew Du Jour vs. 17. Shreddy
- Shreddy seeks redemption for his crushing exit in the BMT… and gets it.

8. Skee-Diddy vs. 25. Fisk
- Fisk is too hardcore for Skee-Diddy and even his alter-SKEEgo can’t help him in this one. Fisky with the upset.

9. Robot vs. 24. Angel
-Domo Whatee Goto Mr. Roboto. An Angel falls here as Robot rolls to victory.

5. C-Funk vs. 28. Skeeara
- Full Circle maven vs. The Hundo Queen… C-Funk beats Skeeara in the most gentlemanly of ways.

12. Jim vs. 21. Jo-Anna
- Jo-Anna and Star of David Cross make out on Lane 2 before she rolls. Jim is flustered and loses.

13. Brook-skee vs. 20. Star of David Cross
- Star of David Cross was hot as a tamale in The BMT. It continues as he downs Brook-skee like one of his patented Civil Wars.

4. Doctor vs. 29. TriBecca
- A triple-heart bypass won’t heal the gash that stems from the bloodbath Doctor will leave in his path this BROTY. It begins with TriBecca

3. Dr. Spaceman vs. 30. McSkeever
- Will it be a Cherry? Will it be a Full Circle? Either way, Dr. Spaceman is too much for McSkeever to handle.

14. Steady As He Brews vs. 19. The Hat
- The Rookie Roller of the Year joins the elite in The BMT. However, the pressure is too much for him as he makes an early exit in The BROTY.

11. CWise vs. 22. Danger
- Two darlings of Brewskee Ball go head-to-head. This one will go to a decisive 3rd frame and it will be the most exciting match of the 1st round as CWise moves on with a clutch Hundo when she needs it.

6. The Street vs. 27. One-Eyed Willy
- The parrot and eye-patch will only bring One-Eyed Willy scurvy as The Street makes him walk the plank.

7. Ehrlich vs. 26. Skeep to My Lou
- In the BMT, Ehrlich sported a shirt that said, “It Just Doesn’t Matter”. It does here as Skeep to My Lou (with the lunatic support from his Beaskee bretheren) pulls a HUGE upset.

10. Dr. Earl vs. 23. W-Der-40
- The Drinker of All Men vs. Spicoli. The Herb triumphs in the upset as W-Der-40 rolls two unprecedented Fullies.

15. Dan Smith vs. 18. Murda
- What a match up! This one is a toughie to call, but I think Dan Smith spent all of his energy in The BMT and Murda needs some salvation. Murda wins a close one to move on.

2. Power vs. 31. Mando
- Mando puts up a great fight, rolling 34's and 35's, but Power has gotten over the sickness that plagued him during the Hundo Challenge and his Hundos heat up, bailing him out in the first round.

Round 2

1. Ocean vs. 17. Shreddy
- Wow… Air Guitarist vs. Air Guitarist. Bandmate vs. Bandmate. Veteran Hall-of-Famer vs. Brew Tube darling. Shreddy is angry. Ocean is Ocean. Shreddy in 4 games and the entire bar is reduced to rubble as the back-to-back BROTY champ falls.

9. Robot vs. 25. Fisk
- Robot rolls a Cherry in the 1st game and it’s too much for ol’ Fiskee to handle. Robot moves on.

5. C-Funk vs. 21. Jo-Anna
- C-Funk feels bad to beat two ladies in a row, but this is The BROTY. Jo-Anna goes out in a blaze of glory.

4. Doctor vs. 20. Star of David Cross
- These two met up in The BMT Finals. The Doctor asks Star of David Cross to hold his Brewskee Mug as he rolls two Cherries to move on.

3. Dr. Spaceman vs. 19. The Hat
- Spaceman flexes his versatility and rolls forward.

6. The Street vs. 11. C-Wise
- The 1st round takes too much out of CWise as The Street grooves on down the sidewalk to the Quarter-Finals

23. W-Der-40 vs. 26. Skeep to My Lou
- Two underdogs scratch their heads in confusion as they can’t believe they are in the 2nd round. W-Der-40 gots the stick icky icky in this one and the Beaskee Boy just can’t fight for his right to partay anymore.

2. Power vs. 18. Murda
- Power can’t get past Murda in this one as the Monkee moves into the Quarter-Finals with AUTHORITY!!!!.

Quarter-Finals

9. Robot vs. 17. Shreddy
- Mind over matter wins this one as Shreddy comes out of the men’s room dressed up like Twinkie from Buck Rogers and throws Robot for a loop. An unprecedented win puts Shreddy in the Semis.

4. Doctor vs. 5. C-Funk
- All-Star vs. All-Star. The Doctor pops more Cherries and C-Funk bows out gracefully.

3. Dr. Spaceman vs. 6. The Street
- Spaceman is hotter than the sun as he finds his groove and ousts The Street.

18. Murda vs. 23. W-Der-40
- Puff Puff Forty! Puff Puff Forty! W-Der-40 continues his mastery of the lanes as he makes a Semi-Final appearance.

Semi-Finals

4. Doctor vs. 17. Shreddy
- A perennial match up between two of Brewskee Ball’s most beloved (or hated) rollers. The Doctor’s experience is too much for Shreddy as the bWo anchorman leaves Skeeson X with a lot more respect and a baby roller on the way.

3. Dr. Spaceman vs. 23. W-Der-40
- Ground control to Major Tom? Yeah, we have a damn meteorite shower! The #3 seed ends W-Der-40’s trip and heads to the Finals.

Finals

3. Dr. Spaceman vs. 4. Doctor
- Wow… This one is a tough one to pick. Doctor vs. Doctor… The versatility of Dr. Spaceman proves to be too much as this final match goes to a 4th game. My crystal ball sees Dr. Spaceman rolling a 37 first and then the Doctor accidentally rolling a Full Circle.

There you have it my illegal aliens… my Skeeson X BROTY picks. Good luck to all, enjoy The BROTY fun, and remember, it's alright to pee your pants.

Rosenberg Out!

(HIGH) LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

The air was crisp for February as I politely denied a young man with a spike going through his nose some extra change. I was in the heart of the East Village and herein lay the site for Championship Sunday of Skeeson X. Eight teams were to do battle to chug from the Brewskee Mug and excitement was brimming.

Ace Bar was pretty packed as I entered around 5pm. C-Funk from Skeechiro was talking in one corner while his skeemate Juice paced letting the cool sounds of what was probably Sade fill his ears. The giant figure of Shaskeel O'Neal greeted me with a warm hello. It was my first time meeting the man and his demeanor was infective. Nash and Skeep to My Lou were at his side and my hypothesis about this squad makin' waves were evident. Speaking of waves… Ocean was sipping on a High Life and I went over to greet. For some reason he made a crass remark about my mother and I walked the other way. Interesting…

The Skee.E.O's made the formal announcement. The National Anthem was sung and the 1st 12 rollers hit lane 1 and 2 to begin the quarter-finals. The crowd was alive holding up signs for their favorite rollers. Lane 1 had the 11th seed Beaskee Boys going up against 13th ranked Skee 6 Mafia, while on Lane 2, defending champs Skeechiro went up against 5th seed Anarchskee.

The games were tight on both lanes for awhile and I got a chance to speak to some of the other rollers whose skeesons ended before Championship Sunday. Danger is a sweetheart and displayed a bit of sorrow for not being there on those lanes rolling for her Skeephen Colbert squad. Ted Carmel made an appearance later in the evening and his tepid demeanor showed he wanted to be in his bWo gear throwing his skeemate onto the lane after every mark. Jo-Anna is arguably the most loveable Skeelebrity as she was giving out more hugs and smiles than a Phish show. But, onto the matches.

Skeep to My Lou came to play in the quarter-finals as his consistency really helped his squad. Shaskeel seemed a bit nervous at times and had to take a step back to find the forty after some shaky rolls. On Lane 2, Skeechiro put all their blood, sweat and beers into their match as I could see the intensity on Deuce, Juice and C-Funk's face as they focused each ball into its numbered slot. There were times I felt random hands groping my behind and I wasn't sure if it was Dr. Earl (who according to some reports had begun drinking at 9am), Robot or Mando Calrissian. Regardless the crowd was into it and more "outsiders" were gathering around wondering if they could have a go at a game or two. One shmuck asked me, "Hey dude, what's Brewskee-Ball?" I merely smiled and remarked, "You'll just have to figure that out."

The early quarter-final matches ended with the Beaskee Boys winning handily propelling them onto the next round. Skeechiro had a more difficult time fighting their way to a close win, as Juice's clutch 33 under pressure in the 10th frame sealed the deal. I could tell the team was a bit fatigued and they would need to get rejuvenated before the next match.

Next up were the Flock of Skeegulls going against the Skee-Baggers. The Skee-Baggers were rolling with only two for some reason. This bothered me greatly. How do you make it to a quarter-final match and not have enough people to roll? Ocean was babbling about how he wanted to break his rusty cage and run, the Doctor was remarking how Full Circles are for bitches, and Earl… well Earl is the kind of guy you just want to hang out with all the time. The match wasn't very close, but it was really great to spend time with the Doctor to learn about his practice in Sarasota, how much he really loves fruit and most importantly to discover what an amazing man he is. Over on Lane 2… well that's where the party was…

Skeemelio vs. ABREWCADABREW. This was my upset pick of the quarter-finals and Star of David Cross spoke to me before the match about my pick. He simply said, "You gotta believe". Every frame was close, every ball found it's target, J-Date had people asking him how to land a nice Jewish girl in the sack, and Dan Smith was signing autographs for some reason.

In classic BMT form, it came down to the last roller. Dan Smith… In their previous match-up against bWo, Skeemelio were up by 10 points with two rollers to go. Shreddy went for all Hundos figuring that Dan Smith would never roll less than a 30, despite all the pressure being put on his shoulders. Pressure…shmessure… Dan Smith's team were down by a point and he rolled masterfully sending Skemeelio into a semi-final match with the defending champs. My previous blog held true as this match would come down to Dan Smith, but he made me eat crow along with his whole team.

The High-Lifes were flowing, the pizza arrived, and Skeeara had entered the bar causing many random men to ask me, "Who is she and do you think she would marry me?" My response was simple, "You'll never know." The Semi-finals put the Flock against the Beaskee Boys and Skeechiro against Skeemelio. Four amazing teams, two incredible matches. I had a chance to talk to Ocean before the match and again he threw a crass remark to me telling me to eat feces and put my genitalia in a wood chipper. What a swell guy.

The Doctor was hungry for fruit as he hit a few cherries in the match. Ocean put up a 65 or two and Dr. Earl was as cool as a porcelain toilet in the middle of the night. Heart just couldn't make it happen for the Beaskee Boys as the Flock won handily. It was truly a wonderful sight to see the genuine sportsmanship between the two squads as they rooted for each other the whole match. That is what Brewskee-Ball is all about.

Lane 2…. Lane 2 shall never be the same after the semi-final match between Skeechiro and Skemeelio. On one hand you have a dynaskee where two of it's seminal rollers Deuce and Juice were on their swan song as the rumors of retirement were being thrown about. On the other hand you had a rag-tag bunch of fun-loving men who as Star of David Cross said, "We're playing with the houses money boys. Let's have fun". And fun… they had.

My memory of the exact numbers are a bit hazy as the energy from the bar was making my head pound. Of course the match was closer than it "should" have been. Of course it would come down to Juice, the Full-Circle champ, the veteran of the league, the smooth-talking cat with the Texas drawl that makes the ladies swoon… Juice needed to roll a 34 to tie and a 35 to send the defending champs back to the final match for the sixth consecutive skeeson.

The crowd was hushed as the veteran made his way to the lane, knelt down in his trademark pre-roll and threw the first ball… The first three balls missed their mark terribly and then he switched over to Hundos. Skee.E.O. Eric could be heard saying "It's Shreddy all over again". In an instant it was all over… Juice fell apart, Skeechiro's reign had ended and Skeemelio Estevez were on their way to the finals of Skeeson X.

I had a chance to talk to C-Funk during the finals about what happened. He spoke with great fervor in his voice as he described the quarter-final match as one that took a lot out of them. It was heart-breaking for him to see his skeemate fall apart as he had never seen it happen. Juice rolled a 27.1 overall and a 13 in his final frame. I can't see him retire this way, nor does anyone else in Brewskee-Ball land.

The final match featured the Flock vs. Skemeelio. Skemeelio were playing on borrowed time, but I was so happy for them. They DESERVED to be there as they fought, scratched and bled their way to be in their spot. But... The night belonged to the Flock. With Ocean and Earl standing beside the Doctor... Arms in wing formation... Doc finished the skeeson with a 50. It was a classy move by the squad who really deserved everything they earned. It was great watching them cheer on J-date as he rolled a 30 in a late frame knowing full well it didn't matter a bit. As they drank from the BREWSKEE MUGS on victory lane, the crowd chanted their names.

Dr. Earl, the loveable drinking machine whose 10th Ball nomination was justified. The Doctor whose love of fruit finally earned him a mug. Ocean, the breaker of all records has now added a few more trophies to his room. This all-star team has set the bar for all others... And it's pretty damn high.

I left after the awards ceremony, despite some people asking me to give a go in the Hundo challenge. It wasn't my place (I learned later that Skeeara had taken the prize which brought a huge smile to this reporter's face). As I walked home, I heard someone yell my name. It was a beer-stained Ocean.

"Wanna get a slice?" I was taken aback as this superstar had pretty much made fun of me and all of my family all night. We walked in silence to a local pizzeria, and got our food. We didn't say anything at all as no words could be said. As we left, the grizzled champ turned to me and simply said, "F*#k you Rosenberg" and walked off into the cool Manhattan air.

CHAMPIONSHIP SUNDAY

The Great Eight of the Skeeson X BMT descend on Ace Bar tomorrow hoping to wet their palates with the sweet High Life from the Brewskee Mug. It's been a wild tournament with more 10th frame comebacks, more melt-downs, and more controversy than ever imagined. Thus we come to the final 8 teams and here are my picks.

QUARTER-FINALS

Rumors are a flyin' that the Skee-Baggers only have 2 rollers. They could have 4 rollers and it wouldn't be enough. I see Doctor leading the way with at least 2 Cherries as the Flock craps all over this one.

Shaskeel O'Neal is sick and has been looking for a hyperbaric chamber to get in game-time form. Sources report a big-time skeelebrity to show up for The Boys to help give them that added boost. Look for Nash to come up big in this one as The Boys tell Skee 6 to "check their heads" and move on to The Semis.

The huge win by ABREW propels them into this round as Skemeelio is still relishing their crazy win over bWo. This will be the closest match as I see it coming down to Dan Smith in the 10th frame. Pressure and a little magic will give ABREWCADABREW the win as their Cinderella story continues.

Deuce will be the X-factor in this one as I see him rolling his greatest match ever. Juice needs to lay off his namesake as this will be a tight match. Look for C-Funk to get back into Full Circle form as the defending champs pull out a single digit win.

SEMI-FINALS

The camaraderie runs deep between these two squads as everyone in all of Brewskee Ball land will be watching this one. Look for Nash to try and get Earl hammered to take him out of the match, and for Shaskeel to continue his post-skeeson rolls. However, the great Ocean will be too much and his Hundos will propel the Flock to the Finals.

Frame 7 will be a pivotal frame in this one for some reason. I don't know why. The dream ends here as C-Funk's three fullies help the dynaskee roll to the final party.

FINALS

There are three factors in this match that will determine the winner:
1. How many High Life's will Dr. Earl have had at this point?
2. How many High Life's will Juice have had at this point?
3. C-Funk

Last skeeson, C-Funk was hotter than Cytheria on RedTube in The BMT. His focus will keep the Skeechiro squad in this one. Ocean will really have to think about rolling conservative at times. Ocean and the Doctor's record-breaking skeesons will show their true colors in this one.

Rosenberg's Final Score: Flock (1025) vs. Skeechiro (962)

THE FLOCK WILL CHUG!

There you have it cheese sticks! Tune in for my next Blog about Dr. Spaceman and phonemic awareness.

The RosenBLOG

SKEE-AGENCY BEGINS!

LeBron who?

ROSENBERG OUT OF SEX THERAPY, BROTY PICKS REMAIN STEAMY

Skeeson XIII BROTY Predictions

ROUND I

ROUND II

ROUND III

SEMI-FINALS

FINALS

SUNDAY BROTY SUNDAY PICKS

Rosenberg: Hot For Doctor

ROUND I

ROUND II

QUARTER-FINALS

SEMI-FINALS

FINALS

FRUIT IS BAD?

SKEESON XI DIVISIONAL MUSINGS

OCEAN'S THREE: BEST ROLLER OF THE YEAR

Check out BROTY Highlights on BREW TUBE!

SUNDAY BROTY SUNDAY
Rosenberg Picks a Winner!

Round 1

Round 2

Quarter-Finals

Semi-Finals

Finals

(HIGH) LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

CHAMPIONSHIP SUNDAY

QUARTER-FINALS

SEMI-FINALS

FINALS

Rosenberg's Final Score: Flock (1025) vs. Skeechiro (962)

THE FLOCK WILL CHUG!

The RosenBLOG

SKEE-AGENCY BEGINS!

LeBron who?

ROSENBERG OUT OF SEX THERAPY, BROTY PICKS REMAIN STEAMY

Skeeson XIII BROTY Predictions

ROUND I

ROUND II

ROUND III

SEMI-FINALS

FINALS

SUNDAY BROTY SUNDAY PICKS

Rosenberg: Hot For Doctor

ROUND I

ROUND II

QUARTER-FINALS

SEMI-FINALS

FINALS

FRUIT IS BAD?

SKEESON XI DIVISIONAL MUSINGS

OCEAN'S THREE: BEST ROLLER OF THE YEAR

Check out BROTY Highlights on BREW TUBE!

SUNDAY BROTY SUNDAYRosenberg Picks a Winner!

Round 1

Round 2

Quarter-Finals

Semi-Finals

Finals

(HIGH) LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

CHAMPIONSHIP SUNDAY

QUARTER-FINALS

SEMI-FINALS

FINALS

Rosenberg's Final Score: Flock (1025) vs. Skeechiro (962)

THE FLOCK WILL CHUG!

SUNDAY BROTY SUNDAY
Rosenberg Picks a Winner!